What Do You Stand For?
Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash
Chantelle Pence - Featured Columnist
“Take on the assumption that everything you look at is as it should be.” I heard the words of Neville Goddard, a thinker who rose to prominence in the 1950s, and thought he was on to something. Reaching for the next best thing is what we do as humans; it’s part of our evolution. But there’s something to be said about the art of acceptance and nonresistance. It’s often in the search for utopia that we become less than pleasant. I’ve not met too many happy activists. Positioning ourselves against another person or ideology can lead to bitterness, which is not a good look for anybody. We have to stand up for ourselves in the face of that which acts against us. But the key, I think, is to stand for something.
I was at a hot springs, recently, near some land we steward in Colorado. I met a woman in the pool who is seeking to revolutionize the fast food industry. She started a chain, called Sparks Burger, that works with local ranchers and farmers to make real food, packaged and delivered McDonald’s style. Though a vegetarian, and passionate about animal rights, she is not trying to change people’s eating preferences. Rather, she’s making the factors leading up to the meal the most ideal. Who can argue with choice on the menu, and the knowledge that the food is produced and purchased in an ethical/healthy way?
Sparks will serve meat burgers, veggie burgers, and one that is a mixture of both, called Meet in the Middle. I was inspired by the inventor’s approach, which was based in a vision of what she wanted, not against what she didn’t want. She said that even though she was a staunch advocate for animal rights and the health of the environment, she found the ranchers to be some of the best humans she had ever met. Her willingness to look beyond her own ideals had expanded her world. I was impressed.
I saw evidence of the same methodology of being for something, rather than against other people, when I was at a country diner earlier that week. I overheard a conversation taking place at a table next to me. A group of people were discussing the current issue related to bodily autonomy. Their animated voices carried over to me, as they hashed out whether or not humans have the right to choose what goes on with their own bodies. This has been a charged topic (in one way or another) for the past couple of years. But the way they were debating was refreshing.
They allowed each other to share their varying perspectives; no one talked over another or tried to shut each other down. Before leaving, I went to their table and told them I overheard, and was impressed with their respectful communication. I asked if they were meeting specifically to address the hot topic. I thought maybe they were part of a college class or something. They said no, and that it just came up. I told them “Well done!” for being so respectful and compassionate towards each other. They joked that if they knew someone was listening they wouldn’t have been so loud.
The ultimate middle ground in human relationships is to seek solutions in which each party gets their own needs met, without thwarting another.
I walked away thinking of how to stand for what I want, without being against another. I thought of all the times I’ve turned ugly while fighting for my position. The times I’ve tried to control others ... which is an impossible venture. Control seems to be the theme that’s cropping up collectively for each of us to contend with. I first became aware of how out of control my own “inner control freak” was several years ago when I wrestled my adolescent son to the ground to try to get his phone from him.
He was just shy of 13, and was starting to go off the rails after our move to Anchorage and his brother’s passing. I took his phone away as a consequence to some actions that were unsafe. He snatched it out of my hand and took off running. In the split second that I lost control of the situation, I reacted in anger and grabbed his leg. I nearly had authority over his body when my middle son came in and, with eyes wide, said, “What are you doing?” I froze. Ashamed. That day was the beginning of a new journey towards self-mastery. And turning my focus inward, towards the only person I can control: me.
A big part of letting go was in letting go of what others think. Much of my past behavior was influenced by the opinions and advice of others, about what a “mom” should be. It was a process of shedding my role, whose job was to govern (control your child!), and getting to know my sons as autonomous humans. It completely transformed our relationship. This is sort of what the vegetarian did before she engaged with the ranchers. She put down her identity as a vegetarian/activist, and put on boots to walk the land with the cattle, and those who tend to them. The folks at the diner did something similar. They ultimately agreed that hard topics are nuanced. And what is right for one isn’t necessarily right for everybody. Each case is unique.
The ultimate middle ground in human relationships is to seek solutions in which each party gets their own needs met, without thwarting another. I do think there is a balance that can be achieved between opposing ideals. As long as one doesn’t try to lord over the other. Even if we get our own way, by wrestling another to the ground (mentally or physically) it never makes us happy. To be clear, there are times when one has to draw a hard line. History shows that people have had to fight for their various freedoms. But I believe the best warriors are mostly peaceful.
It used to be enough to raise a fist and group together in protest. There were fights in the past that were won like that. But I believe we are being called for something different now. The fever pitch of “us vs. them” is deafening. And obsolete. If pinning each other down with labels were enough to make the world a better place, it would be done by now. When I was a child, it seemed right to just get mad and pull my sister’s hair. Or, later, whip out a piece of writing full of sting. But that’s not effective and not who I want to be. There is a higher calling.
We each have a role to play in a new earth, if that’s what we want to create. Some people take on big adventures, like revolutionizing the fast food industry. Some contribute through art. Or by engaging in thoughtful conversation. Through self-discipline. Peaceful parenting. There are many different ways to make the world a better place. And it’s never done through hate.