Removing the Mask of Papa Pilgrim

Hannah Rowland - Featured Columnist

Parental/Trigger warning: This article contains references to physical and sexual abuse. Upon discussion, we chose to acknowledge this abuse in our “family friendly” paper. We believe not talking about abuse gives predators an opportunity to make their victims believe, wrongfully, that they are responsible for the abuse and that they are alone.

Elishaba grew up in the wilderness, in mountains, isolated from other people. But her physical wilderness was not based solely on the location. Her father kept her from knowing not only other families, but from having a relationship with her own family as well.

Elishaba lived a life of suffering and turmoil that left her alone, isolated from all relationships but one: her abusive father, now known to the world as “Papa Pilgrim.”

“He put me in an elevated place of suffering that made me look like I was his special one and in doing so, I was used as a shield and a weapon-leaving me with no one. I was told, ‘Your job is to keep me happy and calm the anger I have towards the family, this is your god-given place here on earth.’” Elishaba wrote.

But in the wilderness she came to know that the god her father told her about is not who God really is. Elishaba said, “It was also in the wilderness where I would meet with God. He is a different God than what my father preached.” She realized that even though she was not worthy of His love, the true God of the Bible seemed to show love, grace, and forgiveness toward her.

Elishaba came to realize that because of her fear, she had decided to worship her father instead of God. “This was the biggest confession I’ve ever made in my life. I realized I needed to get away and that the evil of escaping my father was less of a sin than staying with him. I would have died if I stayed any longer. The more I fought for my father to let me go, the worse my hell became. So I literally had to escape for my life.”

After Elishaba escaped from the wilderness, she knew she wanted to share her testimony by writing a book. She said, “I found out there were so many hurting people in this world and that abuse was silenced by the controller. Since my story had gone public I knew that someday I would tell my own story. I have a deep passion to give a voice to the voiceless and bring freedom to those who sit in darkness.”

“ There is hope in the darkest of moments, to have courage when it seems impossible.”

— Elishaba

Elishaba has now reached her goal of writing her book: “Out of the Wilderness.” This story of abuse, hurt, and pain from her prison is also a story that shares forgiveness. Forgiveness that not only gave her true freedom from her prison, but that offers you freedom from your chains as well.

Elishaba would like her readers to see: “There is hope in the darkest of moments, to have courage when it seems impossible. To know that God can turn all things around and even make good out of what was meant for evil. That forgiveness set me free and can set you free. Forgivenesses is a journey that opens doors and stops minimizing or sweeping under the rug how we have been harmed. True forgiveness does not make them pay. Forgiveness does not mean that we forget and walk back into abuse and harm. Forgiveness sets us free - even if the other never repents. And forgiveness sets us free - even if the other never forgives.”

In the book Elishaba shares her own story of being trapped by her father without a way of escape. She was “physically, emotionally, and mentally unable to get away.” As she is telling her story of her narrow escape in the book, she tells many times of how she was not strong enough to keep running away if he had caught her.

“I couldn’t feel free from the danger till my father went to jail, but even then it seemed his spirit would reach out and grab me,” she said, “Pulling me into the dark demons that had surrounded me for 29 years of my life. It wasn’t till I finally received that I was perfectly loved by God and that his grace was fully sufficient for me and all my brokenness (that I truly felt free.)”

As she wrote the book, she found it was easy to share her story of redemption: “Falling in love with Matthew and getting married to him. The hardest part in writing my book was going to the hardest places of abuse when I was sexually molested by my father. It was so hard to write down and put to words what really happened. When I tried to leave it out, I found that leaving it a secret was going backwards and that I need to bring the abuse to the surface so the powerful part of the redemption and the restoration in the story (would be evident.)”

In the book, Elishaba describes physical and sexual abuse that began when she was a baby and became all-encompassing as she grew into a teenager. She also writes about her escape, family background, and many different aspects of her unique life in the wilderness.

Reflecting back, Elishaba said, “The world around me saw that I was a sad, stubborn, and even mean young girl who was faithful to her father. But inside, I was always screaming for help, for someone to see who I really was: that I was trapped and unable to love or be loved.”

She continued, “I remember once standing beside my father in McCarthy when a couple young people, who were riding by on bicycles, challenged my father and told him that they could not believe his kids were like him. This meant so much to my heart; somehow I wanted them to believe what they were saying. My father put me on the spot and told them to ask me.”

“I could feel their frustration,” she said, “and could tell they knew it was gonna be a dead end by asking me. It was obvious that I would just say whatever my father said for me to say. I still tried to respond in a way that maybe they would understand the message between the lines. Here was my answer that I said weeping and crying: ‘Life is so hard, it’s so hard having the world accuse us of all these things. Think about it, what if you were in my shoes and had the world against you, would that be hard?’”

“I was so hoping they would see between the lines mixed with my tears that I was really saying, ‘You’ve got it right, I can only say and do what my father says. I am not like my father, I’m screaming for help right now. But nobody can see I’m alone and forgotten.’ Of course I couldn’t dare say that because I was told that if I went against my father I was going to hell and that it would destroy my family.”

Elishaba shared that in her situation - as in many others - reaching out for help was not an option because she knew her father would kill her if she did. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in the wilderness or in the middle of the city. Someone under emotional and mind control by another will not and cannot get help.”

“Reaching out and showing love goes hundreds of miles in the heart of the abused. And eventually gives courage that they’re worth something. It did for me, it can for them.”

— Elishaba

Elishaba continued, “When you see a child or a young girl hunched over, as if she’s trying to save herself from being seen. When their eyes are on the floor and you see no happiness. That person needs help. But it doesn’t mean you can give them help. Reaching out and showing love goes hundreds of miles in the heart of the abused. And eventually gives courage that they’re worth something. It did for me, it can for them.”

When we see others around us who may live under the threat of abuse and violence, we may not know what to do. Should we rush to reach out to the authorities? Elishaba said to: “Always always reach out and love, don’t accuse them of wrong. Be willing to step in when they cry out for help, even in the little ways. Don’t try to ‘fix’ the situation because then they’ll run further away from you. Building trust and showing worth helps reflect what is missing and show what is wrong - especially when they see true unconditional love and acceptance.”

To access more information and to order Elishaba’s book, go to:

https://www.outofthewildernessbook. com/

If you are suffering from past or current abuse, you are not alone. You are valuable; people want to help you:

Alaska Network on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault (ANDVSA) provides a statewide list of resources and contact information for domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy services including shelters. https:// andvsa.org/find-help/member-programs/.

The StrongHearts Native Helpline, which offers online chat on their website and a hotline at 1-844-7NATIVE (or 1-844- 762-8483) and provides culturally-appropriate services and advocacy to American Indian and Alaska Native survivors of domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and sexual violence.

Alaska 2-1-1 or www. alaska211.org is a one-stop resource for finding help in your community. It’s free, confidential and available in almost any language. Call Center hours are Mon. – Fri. 8:30 a.m. – 5:30 p.m.

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